Introduction

It never ceases to amaze me how spoiled we've become. When I say "we" I mean people my age who were kids in the 80s, and I'm talking about mostly men here. In the last several years we've been treated to new Star Wars movies, Lord of the Rings movies, a re-launched Batman, a re-launched Superman, Spider-Man, X-Men, and now a Transformers movie. The women out there must feel awfully cheated that Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie haven't gotten the summer blockbuster treatment. Yet somehow every time there is news about a project that hopes to "exploit" our childhood there is much growling and gnashing of teeth. "They'd better not screw this up," is almost always the universal threat from the far corners of the internet, but never more so then when Transformers was announced. It was later revealed that testosterone action king and internet speed bag Michael Bay would be directing the film, and all the Transformers fanboys and Michael Bay haters connected together and transformed into Complainatron; a giant robot capable of making a lot of noise but doing almost zero damage. As more and more of the details emerged (such as the flames on Optimus Prime's paint job or the design of Megatron), the cacophony of disdain for the production became almost overwhelming. I never understood it. I was just thankful that someone was making a live-action Transformers movie at all, let alone Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay; two people who can summon exorbitant sums of money at will. I always thought Michael Bay was the perfect choice for this. The man knows explosions, car chases, and military hardware. Forgive me if I don't want a director famous for comedy or period drama to direct a movie based on cars that turn into robots and punch each other. I'm here to tell you that Michael Bay delivered an absolutely amazing film, and all the hate and negativity that hounded the production was for naught.

Bonecrusher takes on Optimus Prime in mid-chase.

There are few times in movies where I think to myself, "I've never seen anything like this before." It happened in The Matrix, certainly at the end of The Return of the King, and it also happened during Transformers. Michael Bay has taken a fairly ridiculous concept and made it believable enough to enjoy an entire movie. The film opens with a voice-over by Optimus Prime, played remarkably by Peter Cullen (the same actor who voiced Prime in his original incarnation in the cartoon and 1986 film), that lays out the origin of the war between the autobots and decepticons. Hearing Cullen's voice in that context immediately made me 10 years old again. The plot starts out as an alien invasion, segues into a story of a boy and his car with a "Herbie" vibe, and eventually settles into the familiar Transformers storyline of the autobots battling the decepticons over an energy source. Both alien camps are searching the Earth for the All Spark, a box that houses the energy to create life from technology. The decepticons want it so they can conquer the Earth and the autobots want it to save us from the devastation wreaked on their home world of Cybertron. There are some fairly large logic jumps and technical improbabilities, but in a movie about outer space robots you really shouldn't be too concerned with issues regarding conservation of mass or information technology. The story is just there to connect the action sequences.

I was amazed how similar the film felt to the cartoon, at least in the portrayal of the autobots, and this comes from someone who has watched the cartoons recently. The way they move, talk, stand, and pose is all reminiscent of the series. The voice actors may not all be members of the original cast, but they capture the essence of the show. I can't say enough about Peter Cullen's performance, though. I really think this same movie with a different Optimus voice would suffer immeasurably so kudos to Bay and the producers for recognizing that there is only one Optimus Prime. Cullen gives Prime that familiar gravely sound while also making him a completely empathetic and heroic live-action character. The special effects work in Transformers is nothing short of astonishing. Not once was I taken out of the moment by questionable CGI or poor compositing, and the animators were very careful to preserve the size, weight, and momentum of these giant robots. The transformations never get old and there are a lot of them. You'll have to wait a while before the action gets going full-bore and to see the first shot of Optimus, but once the autobot team shows up Optimus gets quite a bit of screen time. I was concerned by Jazz's decidedly hip-hop introduction and worried that we'd be treated to some stereotypical dialogue from him, but those fears were never realized. If I have a complaint it's that the decepticons were shortchanged somewhat. You get early looks at Blackout, Scorponok, Frenzy, and Barricade but I would have liked Starscream and Megatron to get more screen time as well as for there to be more bickering between the two of them. You get a taste, but it's fleeting. What surprised me was how funny and charming the film is. I'm not one to fall for the cheap laugh, but there is some honest-to-God comedy in Transformers that really works. It's not all gold. Some of it fell flat for me but more often than not the jokes had me laughing.

My big concern was that the Transformers movie would be full of human heroes and not many robots. Thankfully this isn't true at all. There are some human army characters but they are all completely interchangeable and disposable. They don't get the typical Michael Bay hero treatment (all the "hero shots" Bay is famous for are saved for the autobots). On the other hand Shia LaBeouf is incredibly charismatic and relatable as Sam Witwicky (the young man who is tied to the discovery of the All Spark on Earth), and I can see why people keep telling me he's the next big thing. You spend a lot of time with LaBeouf and Bumblebee throughout the film which makes them, along with Optimus Prime, the most memorable characters of the movie. Megan Fox fills the role of "action movie hottie" admirably, but the character doesn't have a lot going on. The humanity of the film thankfully doesn't get in the way of the spectacular robot carnage. You'll be treated to robot fist fights, car chases with transforming, jet chases with transforming, and a knockdown-drag-out brawl between Prime and Megatron. The action pieces are incredible and deliver exactly what I wanted from a live-action Transformers movie.

I expect that people will complain the whole movie is a commercial for the new Camaro or GM in general. Here's the thing, the original cartoon was quite literally a big commercial for Hasbro so product placement is nothing new to Transformers. I was aware that the cars were all GM, but it didn't bother me and it shouldn't bother you. The cars need to get a lot of screen time because they are major characters in the film. Having said all that, I do recall leaning over to my wife during the movie and saying, "We're getting one of those," when the new Camaro made its appearance so I guess they "got" me. I tried to be critical during the movie I really did, but it's just a whole hell of a lot of fun and I feel like I've been waiting a long time for this. It's an astonishing feat of filmmaking and special effects that is funny, scary, and enjoyable from beginning to end. I'm already looking forward to a sequel.

Barricade threatens Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf)

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